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Homebody

Is there anything sweeter than the atonal sound of your own name? Perhaps, maybe the lost melody of home?

For those who’ve lived and lost, the memories and melodies of home stay with us, like an alpha earworm. If our names are sung (unless you speak a tonal language like Mandarin), the melody will sound sarcastic. For instance, a 2-syllable name that is sung with a rising first tone, and a falling second tone, let’s the person know they are being gently chided for their stupidity. However, there’s nothing but sine-wave sincerity in the forgotten bitones of telephone tonality.

In the age of landline phones, every home in America was denoted by a unique melody. If you got lost, or ran away, you could always echolocate your way back, like a homesick microbat. Now everything is on that fancy GPS, and cellular prerecorded music has eliminated the need for melodic home-association.

But I remember still—the memories and melodies of home. I hear it in my heart,


Don’t call that #, I don’t live there no more. This is about as close as it gets to speaking Chinese, or being a dolphin. Each number in the sequence is separated by 1/8 rests as the dialer’s finger moves between buttons. There is also a 1/4 rest in between the 3rd and 4th number, because that’s how we used to divide the telephone number’s seven note melody (notated as two measures of 4/4 above). The first 3 notes act like an antecedent, while the final 4 like a consequent. A birdy call and answer. A dueling guitar solo. I always liked the phone # above, and now it’s easy to see why. It resolves itself, beginning on the 4, and ending on the same number/chord. There is a rich metaphor somewhere in there, about musical resolution, nostalgia, and the ever changing technosoundcape, but fuck it, I’m no poet.

Go ahead and phone home to your home phone if you got one (or transpose your cell #). The bitonality of the telephone system makes for two melodies playing at the same time. The higher melody in D Major is the easiest to hear, while the lower melody in F Minor is more subconsciously felt (or ignored because of its dissonance).

There’s probably another metaphor in there about the retcons and confabulations of our subjective memories versus the objective reality of immediate experience, and how it relates to the two dissonant scales of telephone music sounding as one, but fuck dat.

Homey, homey; homé.

Invasion of the Face Snatchers


The new Windows 8.0 sound scheme is an F major 7th—the popular FACE chord. Every alarm, ding, and orchestra hit error sound that once rang true to their namesake, has been replaced with a suite of electronic dance samples. I guess it’s the future, or something.

The Critical Stop Sound is now a D Minor 9th Chord—the relative minor of the computer key of F Major. This Chord includes the F maj 7th face-chord inside of it. Click on the noteheads below to listen.

Compare this with the old Critical Stop Sound. A simple C octave. Such authority! The octave let’s you know your shit’s fucked up. The new Win-8 D Min-9 critical chord is so subtle, most people will disregard it as schizophonic ambiance, no different than the false ringtones heard arpeggiating out of ubiquitous buttocks.

Epilogue:

The American telephone system is in F Major. And now, Windows Eight. It’s like we’re living in Super Mario Brothers Land, except in F Major. There is a conspiracy for harmonic homogeneity in America, to unite us under a single key. Let these fancy jazz chords serve as a warning, just as they were intended.

“The man dies in all who keep silent in the F-A-C-E of tyranny.”
—William Shakespeare (emphasis mine)




So grab your google glasses, strap on your wintops, and step into the future!

Microwaveforms

The home microwave oven is yet another dubious musical instrument—like the television and the car horn—that is tuned completely wrong. Dead flat wrong. It drones the same flat tone below, as it beeps octaves above—the “flattened B” of the groaning grid tone, the same tone most machines moan.



These ‘psych-out sounds’, or ‘made-ya-listens’, sure make it hard to make it as a musician in this world. Instead of a nice equal temperament tone, like say a B, or say maybe a B-flat, the microwave drones and beeps a quarter tone between them. The same utility frequency can be found in other home appliances. The 60 hz American Power Grid hums at the same frequency.

The low drone will play as long as you like. The fermata symbol, a cyclops eye, indicates the note is held until the conductor let’s go. Click on the unstemmed notehead to play/stop.





The microwave is monotone, more mechanical than musical, like a metronome (if it wasn’t out of tune). The most interesting thing it plays is probably the “Ready Song”. Drag over the high flat-B 4 times.

The Ready Song is in 4/4, and has a similar vibe to Backup Truck Beeps. For authentic microwaveforms, click the top drone on and off, then quickly drag over the beeps.

Epilogue:
Why are all the machines so mistuned? Is this a B-horror movie musical we live in?
Well, the 60 Hz became popular not because of its musicality, but because of it’s mechanical use in railway rotary converters. It has a very long boring history you see, that only fuddy duddies from other dimensions can appreciate.

Quoth Kurdt, Nirvanamore

The band Nirvana was a unique tonal experiment at the close of the 20th century.

Unlike many grunge bands (or any bands really), Nirvana’s unique sound was due to timbre (the sound of screaming vocals and distorted guitars), as much as it was to tonality (the arrangement of the notes into a key). They meddled with tritones on Bleach, discovered new and unusual 4-chord song progressions like “Aneurysm” and “Tourettes”, and tied the whole dissonant package together with their intuitive raw feel and Kurt Cobain’s natural sense of melody.

Let’s look at the verse melody from “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Click on the black stemmed noteheads to listen.

The melody resolves on the 2nd, one degree above the root note. Drag over the F root above to hear how they harmonize. They create an F9 chord like the above right.

“Smells like Teen Spirit” is a simple F Minor 4-Chord Ballad, but the melody is what makes it really interesting. It’s as beautiful to sing, as it is to rock out on a guitar. It’s worth taking a look at the entire verse melody.

Click on the score to play/stop.

The bouncy off-beat melody is an F Natural Minor scale, or the Aeolian mode (F G Ab Bb C Db Eb). Although there is only bass playing the root notes of each chord throughout, the melody beautifully expresses the full range of the Minor scale by hitting all seven notes. Kurt may only play power chords (neutral chords with only perfect fifths and octaves), but the “minorness” of the F and Bb minor chords is expressed in the melody. So too, with the majorness of the Ab and Db major chords.

In the score above, you can plainly see the fearful symmetry of the melody. The first and third measure are a kind of inversion of each other that both resolve on the 3rd (Ab), while the second and fourth measures are basically parallel, transposed down a 4th.

The demo version features a melody that is even more symmetrical. There’s no longer the upwards motion of the first three notes (“Load Up On”) that really makes the melody pop out and present itself. This bluesy revision to the melody actually makes the whole line better by including a little bit of novelty, and less redundancy in the first and second measures. Tiny imperfections and defying expectations make music new and fun.

And sometimes, you’ve got to just let the song sing to you the right melody….

The above harmonies are found ‘accidentally’ during the prechorus of the song. The guitar plays a high alternating C and F, while the vocal melody (hello hello hello how low) hits a a passing G, which results in the unlikely chords above.

Kurt Cobain would often hit wrong chords—suspend fourths when he meant to hit power chords, or major chords when he meant minor—but the dissonant jazz chords above are completely intentional, and while not explicitly played, are heard briefly in the passing minor melody.

Baby’s Got Bars and Tones

The television test screen, known as “bars and tones”, is used to calibrate color and sound on a TV screen or computer monitor. The accompanying tone—the soundtrack to this minimalist music video—is a high sharp B that stations use to tune TV’s. But at 1000 Hz, the bars-and-tones tone is a quarter-tone sharper than the closest B5 (987.77) tone. Much to the chagrin of couch-potato guitarists, the sharper tone certainly makes it difficult to tune along at home. Drag over the noteheads below to hear this sharpened B abomination that the reptilian broadcasters devised. Compare this false B to a real B5 below.



Musicians can’t catch a break in this society. Everywhere around them are false B’s. The Grid Tone is a flatted B (60 Hz)—about halfway between a B♮ and a Bb—and feeds back from their very instruments, providing them with a false note to tune to. And now TV tuning is all off too! You’d think the reptilian broadcasters would support a single tuning to unite the human race. We need to start demanding equal temperament for all peoples.

Epilogue:
I remember an interview with Elliot Smith where he talked about watching a lot of TV while playing guitar to write songs, and I imagine it is a fairly common phenomenon for artists to work under distraction. The tube inside a television is said to emit alpha waves (among other things), that entrain your brain, lower your freqs., and put your mind at rest, so that you are an impressionable zombie ready to lap up the oozing TV set slime. Experienced mediators are said to be unhypnotizable. Perhaps, Elliot like many other stay-at-home singer-songwriters entered a meditative trance while zoning out in front of the TV, finger-plucking his guit-fiddle and whatnot, or like Steve Vai who fell asleep while noodling, and dreamed of the best possible music, only to awake to the harsh noise of day. White noisey television snow.

Car Arm Alarm Bug Nuts

The popular Car Arm Alarm is a duplet of flat B’s that bend upwards. Within this short mechanical musical phrase, one can hear the ten thousand voices of nature crying out for an audience. Like the quick stridulation of an insect or the glissando of a bird, the Car Arm Alarm is followed by long rests that carry great moral weight. Like the clucks and bwoks of a chicken, it seems to speak in onomatopoeia (What’s it sayin?). Like the “klup, klup” of Mario’s fireball, or the “pew, pew” of a lazer gun, it travels on for great distances, bouncing off walls, and over hills.

Perhaps, this little phrase is man’s own “proprietorial call”, fashioned after the territorial songs of animals who’ve everything to lose. Drag over the noteheads below, from left to right, to listen to the Car Arm Alarm, or click on the image to view the Car Arm Alarm Waveform.

Each “chwup” begins on a flat B (about halfway between a B and a Bb, like the Grid Hum), and then bends upwards. The first tone doesn’t bend as high, and only reaches around a C, while the second goes to a D. The whole thing sounds like a whole tone interval (C to D) because of how quickly each note bends.



The Car Arm Alarm may have originally been inspired by bird calls, but in turn, it has inspired new bird calls of its own. Lyre birds and mockingbirds are known to imitate the Car Arm Alarm among other man-made sounds. It’s starting to get confusing out here in the jungle, as I often mistake the hum of a street light for a hive of bees, car alarms for the calls of birds, and hallucinate ringtones arpeggiating out from silent buttocks.

Epilogue:
Hmm, maybe it should be Car Alarm Arm? Either way, three times fast is two too many fast.

Manly Cadences

Real men know how to end a song. They don’t play chicken at the chorus, so why wimp out in the final bars? Real men kill their songs with their bare hands, like babies crying in their cribs far past bed time. Songs are the sons of men—prodigal, oedipal—and they’ll kill their composer daddies unless he kills them first. Real men hit it, then quit it, but they ain’t no quitters.

Real men die as they dream—fabulous.

There are ways around it. You can fade out, nice and gradually, as if passing on in the middle of the night, unconscious of the dying that envelops you. You can fade, and let the attack of life peacefully decay into the black noise of death.

Maybe it doesn’t have to end at all? You can just cross-fade into another incarnation; reborn in endless playlists of birth and death. The friendly voice of the deejay deity will come on the aether and lull you into this or that form. Maybe you could just put yourself on repeat, and forever loop the memories and melodies of your youth.

Songs today rarely need to stand alone anyway. They segue endlessly into the next in a sea of songs, like billions of babies booming each year. There’s plenty of bodies to possess. Let the masses cling to their genres, and live out their plasticine days in easy-listening limbo.

We just wish the good songs never had to end, especially this one, ’cause it’s so good. But the good songs are ending all the time, right when they begin playing, and they wouldn’t even be good without the ending. All sounds return to the silence, as all souls return to the source.

The root of all existence is you, tonic friend and birthnote. Drag over that C4 below and simply observe how all things return to nothing.



The most popular key in pop and pedagogy is the C Major scale. These seven sacred tones relate to the colors of the rainbow. Drag over the C Major Scale below.



The drama of music results from the tension between the tonic and the rest of the key, much like the drama of life results from the interactions between the self and the rest of the world. Musical cadences create the perception that a song has a central tone around which all other tones revolve. Cadences are happening all the time in music, in every measure, everywhere. They are the endless ending of musical phrases, jumping up and falling back onto itself.

There are two main cadences used in popular music. The first is the Plagal cadence, or the “Amen cadence”.



This is how choir boys kill their tunes, not men. The plagal cadence is kinda weak because the tonic never really goes anywhere. The C tone root is found in the cadential chord, and so it doesn’t get to leave home, and return to die. It’s like it kills itself for never leaving home. It’s no “Authentic Cadence”.

Yes, goddamn. That is how real men meet their end. The authentic cadence is the perfect cadence—the killing cadence. It kills itself with its own hands. It’s a painful and satisfying conclusion to this crazy song we call life.

A certain corporate jingle capitalizes on the authentic cadence.



“By Mennen”, the popular 90’s commercial melody, is by far the most insidious jingle ever written. It’s far worse than the NBC chime, which uses the same cadence. They took the most basic phrase of music and set those ridiculous lyrics to it. “♫ Byyyyy ♫ Mennen ♫”

Mennen: It’s not even a palindrome. Some earworms never crawl out of your brain. They can’t be killed as they copy and share themselves when split.

Who knows what Mennen is and what it advertises for? No one remembers. The melody will live on, long after the company it sang for is just a memory.

“By Mennen” harks back to another manly cadence, the memorable “Men – Men – Men” cadence from “Stout Hearted Men”. In the key of F,



Above is the choir version. I don’t know much about endings, but that’s a great way to begin a song.

Epilogue:
Now how will we die sweet friends? Die like a dominant? Will we fade out slowly into the night like “Hey Judey Judey Jude”? Or will we hit and quit it, kick it and kill it, like men.

Real men. Like Rachmaninoff.

Of course, they sometimes cry at the coda.