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One little note can cost you the game, the respect of your fans, and the love of your teammates.

One little note can kill your career and break your band up into smithereens.

What a huge difference one little note can make! The difference between heaven and hell lies in a mere semitone. A half-step between public praise and hater’s hate. One hundred cents between consonant triumph and dissonant failure.

One little note can bring on the scorn of a nation. Even in a song that nobody likes—a schmaltzy waltz that is about as embarrassing to sit through as Happy Birthday.

All of the public criticism for “The Star-Spangled Banner” by pop group The Fray at the NCAA championship a couple days ago1 hangs on one little wrong note, though you won’t hear about it in the news.

The Washington Post wrote2:

It was acoustic, emo and mercifully quick.

Now that’s just mean. I guess the emo thing is somewhat accurate, referring to the two distinct acoustic guitar parts and uh, emotional singing, but why no mention of the obvious wrong note on every third chord? It seems people don’t trust their ears when they hear dissonance. It happens to the best of us.

There’s no way people hate this version for stylistic reasons. It can’t be because they played it as a schmaltzy waltz. “The Star-Spangled Banner” is a schmaltzy waltz!

It can’t be because they made it a “One Five Four Five” Chord progression; everyone loves those!

It might be because the instrumentation was a tad too “Occupy” for people’s tastes, but it’s actually a pretty conservative folk arrangement, and not at all the main reason for the jingoistic indignation stirred up in the public. Guitars, dudes, a tambourine, and a drum—it’s pretty damn all-American. This easily could’ve been the version George W. Washington sang at the end of the Civil War.

No, it’s got nothing to do with politics. It’s because of one terrible horrible no good very bad little note as demonstrated in the two widgets below.

The rhythm guitarist plays the I V IV V chord progression in G.



However, the other guitarist hits a high G# over the C Major Chord, instead of a G. At just a semitone away, the sharpened tonic is one of the most dissonant possible wrong notes they could’ve played.



Try dragging over both guitar parts simultaneously in alternating up and down-strokes. Just drag over the start of each measure, then slowly move on to the next pair to get a taste of the delicious dissonance lurking in the cliché chord progression.

The sad part is that the guitarist plays it right in the intro (with the G), and then botches it for the rest of the song (with the G#). Or maybe they were going for something truly progressive?


The whole mess creates a very silly harmony, an unintentional augmented chord—C Major with an added Minor Six (Ab). It’s a musical joke of sorts, and that’s one thing Los Doggies can get behind.

The guitarist responsible for this hilarious Easter egg in our anthem, tweeted in response to the criticism:

“Upon thinking about it, doing the National Anthem is a bit like choosing between Jif and Skippy. You just can’t please everyone.”

So true! Who could possibly understand the subtleties of such a dark dissonant musical joke such as the sharpened G in a G major love song to your country? What followers will catch the tonal depravity involved in unapologetically disgracing the old forms like that? What compatriots will embrace the musical irony—intentional or not—spread it around evenly, and then put it back on the shelf like nothing ever happened?

I can relate though. When you’re on stage, your mind can play tricks on you; mess you up. Take a look on the youtube below. A clear case of musical madness caught on camera.



Notes:



[1] It starts off tonally enough. G Major certainly is a fine key. The first instrumental 8 bars are fine, but it sure takes a sharp turn for the worse in the 11th measure when the guitarist starts hitting the G#, and continues to hit it for the duration of the song. However, if this didn’t have that fuck-up, and had beautiful tertian harmony throughout, with the right chord progression, or fuck it, even just two chords, this would be a lot of people’s favorite anthem rendition, probably even win them a Grammy, instead of being the Barr-mangled banner it is, all because of one little note.

[2] Cindy Boren. “The Fray’s national anthem at the NCAA title game was a little weird”. Washington Post. April 3, 2012. http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/early-lead/post/the-frays-national-anthem-at-the-ncaa-title-game-was-a-little-weird/2012/04/03/gIQAgaHosS_blog.html

Mockingjays

Spring has sung, and the birds are back. And not just the songbirds either, but naughty little fuckbirds1 too. Black-Capped-Fuckadees that go fuck-a-dee-dee-dee2. Songless Woodfuckers3 who can only drum out their love. Bluefucks and yellow-tailed whippoorfucks. Perhaps they are speaking the divine dirty ‘language of the birds’. Or just letting their harmonic throats do the squawking. Zoomusicologists will contend the latter. But they don’t know why the caged bird sings! Who knows why the caged bird4 sings?

I know why,

So, occasionally this blog is relevant—like really relevant. Topical too. Like when a new fictional bird is introduced to the public consciousness, and within the fortnight, the relevant bloggy and widgets are up and running.

Below is a short yet striking scene from The Hunger Games (2012). I’m pretty sure it’s the climax of the movie. No spoilers. Click on the youtube to play it.

/

The mockingjays aren’t very tonally reliable. Not like my singing telegram guy. These birds change the key on you. Maybe it’s just the dopplers shifting around while they fly and sing at the same time, or maybe they purposefully mock the melodies of the humans below them. And why not? Just at look at what these girls melodisize as their distress call and answer!


The first girl begins singing a D Major scale, rising up in thirds from D to E. However, the second girl sings in G Minor, and instead falls down on the final note, resolving to a D, the initial tone. It has a kind of fearful symmetry you see. Each four-note melody has two notes in common (G and D), that mirror each other at the beginnings and ends of the melodies. Both melodies fit nicely into the key of G Melodic Minor (G A Bb C D E F# G).

The second melody acts like a reverse picardy5. Instead of resolving to the G Major as was expected, the bird call picardies to a G Minor, subtly setting the viewer up for tragedy, sweet glorious tragedy, that lifts one up and drops one down like the dirty little fuckbirds that ferry our births and peck us unto death.

Oh, and Happy Harry Hundos! This here blog is an hundred blogs old.

Notes:

[1] Joyce, James. Dirty Love Letters to Nora Barnacle. http://loveletters.tribe.net/thread/fce72385-b146-4bf2-9d2e-0dfa6ac7142d

[2] Black-Capped Bloggy https://www.losdoggies.com/archives/14
(with quaint myspace hyperlinks)

[3] Major Laugh Made Ya Laugh https://www.losdoggies.com/archives/2354 (not about woodpecker’s song)

[4] The Musical Cryptogram “CAGED B” resembles the locrian scale, the 7th mode of C major, but really it’s a scale all its own. Also of note, the cryptogram spans greater than an octave, starting on a C and descending down a C Major Pentatonic scale, only to resolve to a B, defiantly passing over the root, as is to be expected from caged birds, a game of melodic leapfrog (similar to musical chairs), that tinges the modal mood with just the right amount of longing, sweet longing to be free from the tonic king.

[5] Picardy Party https://www.losdoggies.com/?s=picardy

Occupy Melodies

New York New Yorkers have been singing lots of fresh new songs over the past couple of months. They sing on the street, and in the park, and on the bridge. They even engage in what George Orwell once called “group-sing”. They sing syncopated 4/4 call-and-answer crowd-pleasers, sung with the People’s Microphone, at plus 120 beats per minute, many of them throwbacks to the 60’s anti-war folk era. That old standby “Hey Hey, Ho Ho”, while explicitly unsung throughout the movement, inspires many of the cadences you hear in modern day protest music. “The People United” as widgetized below, has the same feel as this revolutionary classic. To sing it is to realize a tambourine is never far behind.


The iambic rhythms of the “hey-HEY” and the “ho-HO” are kept intact, but the tempo has been souped up; it’s practically house music at 134 bpm. “The People United” like many Occupy melodies, is completely monotonal. In the example above, the protestor sings around an F#. Try looping the drum beat with the chant, and dropping a few F# bass bombs on top. I read somewhere that Jay-Z is going to do a mash-up, co-opting this little Occupy melodie [sick].

Minor Thirds
But the songiest protests of the Occupation are the call-and-answer chants such as “This Is What Democracy Looks Like” which encompasses an actual musical interval. Drag and click on the score below to hear the Minor Third interval between the antecedent phrase “Show me what…” and the consequent phrase “This is what…”



Democracy is clapping on the ones without shame.

Sometimes it’s a Major Third interval, when the antecedent protestor is over-zealous, but usually it’s Minor all the way. Chanting Minor Thirds is a popular way to go, as Seconds are too small for anyone to care about, and Major Thirds and Fourths are too big for anyone to sing. But even the noisy mobs at a modern day sporting event can sing perfectly pitched, albeit profane, Minor Thirds. Minor Thirds are what makes minor music sad, and there is sadness here too. All minor 3rds are the blues, as the saying goes.

Here’s my personal favorite, “Shame” by OWS. It is a 4/4 song, as they all are, with staccato accents on the ones.


NYPD also likes to make music, but none of that acoustic hippie drum circle crap. The boys in blue make electric music, using their favorite electric instruments―the Long Range Acoustic Devices, or sound cannons―that drone triple forte (ƒƒƒ), also known as ‘fucking fucking forte’, and drown out all melodies in their path.

Like a thousand crickets crying out from a flaming field. Like every siren of every squad car from your local precinct all sounding at once. I have to jam with it.

By the way, did I mention:

THIS, IS, THE 99TH POST! THIS, IS, THE 99TH POST!

Mmmm Mmmm Mm Mm Mmmm

1960's Milk

The postprandial song is the perfect compliment to a meal eaten in silence. After all, it ain’t polite to sing with your mouth full, but you’d never know that from looking at my mic. Who knows from whence this song came? It’s the kind of thing that just ain’t on the internet. My guess is the South, Deep South, buried anonymously somewhere in America’s dark past.

horseThe postprandial song consists of octaves―octaves that make you go mmmm. It’s a funky ass groove too, alternating octaves with portamento bends going up and down. This is known as a ‘murky bass’ or ‘broken octaves’. The example above is near an F# octave. The high F#‘s bend up, while the low F#‘s bend down. The final tone actually bends a little lower than the second tone, because of the singer’s sustained gastronomic delight.

Maybe Pythagoras himself invented the postprandial song: sitting down to his straight edge veg*n meal. In deep musical meditation, lured into song by the rhythmic mastication of his disciples, he begins to hum the blessèd diapason.

Major Laugh Made Ya Laugh

People in the 40’s used to laugh in major keys. Man’s guffaws and woman’s’ cackles were tuned to each other―an octave apart―and the glee of their sons and daughters lol’d like a pop choir. But those were jazzier times then, when it was okay for boys to laugh like birds, and girls to cry like dolphins. People didn’t just eat their words in those days, but full sentences as well, and whole songs too.

One such song from the Golden Age of Joke Songs with cow-bell-slinging kazoo-toting Spike Jones and nice-and-keen shaven Benny Bell, is the Woody Wood Pecker Theme that features Mel Blanc’s major laugh melody below.


The laugh is an F# Major chord in Second Inversion meaning the root is transposed to the 5th, the C# in this case. The whole thing ends with a series of triplets on the major 3rd, the A#. Though the melody is in F#, it only hits the root in passing in the rising triplets.

The Woody Woodpecker laugh sounds suspiciously like the “Charge Melody” played at Basketball games. They are both Second Inversion Major chords, played in the same arpeggiated manner. Did the Woody laugh melody inspire the early NBA organists to quote the well-known leitmotif in their charges?

Yes; yes it did.
,m

The God Chord

I heard there was a secret Chord, that David played, and it pleased the Lord.

Behold! The God Chord. It has all the notes; the Gamut. To play it, or any of the 11 Sacred Inversions is forbidden, but here it is anyway. Just drag over the colored unstemmed noteheads.

Men are flat. Women are sharp. Boys are sharp Audiences are flat. Gods have perfect pitch, but sing godawful Chords like the one above―the one that will swallow your soul.

I’ll swallow your soul. I’ll swallow your soul.

The Schumann Scale

It’s an arpeggio. No, It’s an octochord. No, It’s the lick of Thunder and Lightning.

Black unstemmed noteheads played on HAARP

THE SCHUMANN SCALE is based on extremely low frequencies (ELF) in the Earth’s electromagnetic field. Lightning strikes create electromagnetic waves in our atmosphere, which excites the Schumnan Resonances. The global averages are listed above, with the equivalent notes that form a scale seemingly in the key of B. If you had antennae in your ears, you could hear the resonances all around you, though most of them would be far too low to be pleasing. The scale above is transposed up five octaves, to a B2, and synthesized on midi-strings for easy-listening.

The resonant frequency (7.83), has a wavelength equal to the circumference of the Earth. This golden frequency is in the theta region of the brain, home to the mu rhythm. Global military communications capitalize on this frequency. When converted into sound waves, 7.83 is a flat “B-2” (two octaves below the lowest note on a piano). It is also the keynote to which Nikola Tesla tuned the North American Power Grid. The electric powers hums at 60 hz, the ninth overtone of the Earth, and loudest note from Space―B1, or Deep B. As seen in the chart above, the electroencephalograph of every enbrained organism, our terrestrial score, and the feedback of our machines, are all tuned, or attuned, to this flattened B. The B is the Tonic of our Sphere. Was Tesla electrosensing when he decided on his famous note? Did he speak the language of waveforms? Or practice zazen?

Musical Analysis
When equally-tempered, the above eight Schumann resonances form an arpeggio that spans two octaves, and can be broken down into two tetrachords―B13 and Cdim7 (the first and second measures above). Confined to a single octave, the Schumann notes fit neatly into two keys―Phyrgian Dominant, #6 (B, C, D#, E, F#, G#, A), and the Diminished, or Half-Whole Octatonic Scale (B, C, D, D#, F, F#, G#, A). In support of the latter key, it is interesting to note that the four most audible overtones of any musical sound make up a Dominant Seventh chord (1, major 3, 5, minor 7). This chord is found twice in the Schumann scale: B Dominant 7 (B, D#, F#, A), and G# Dominant 7 (G#, C, D#, F#). Dominants sevenths in intervals of minor thirds are the stinkmark of the Half-Whole scale.

The planet’s pop music rarely uses the Earth’s electromagnetic scale―The Schumann Scale―even though the ground we walk shapes it, the ether we breath conducts it, the heads we carry think with it, and the gods hurl it back at us.

Human Earth Tones
Some human beings can actually sing the Earth tone. In 2002, Tim Storms of Waterloo, Indiana, set the Guinness World Record for singing the lowest note, the Deepest B, the 8 Hz B-2. He has a range of Six Octaves, and performs this feat in a hand-puppet show. In 2005, a Chinese music teacher, Li Wenxing attempted to crush him with three additional semitones. He composed a very special song for the occasion. I’m pretty sure he lost.


tim storms          little fiery mario vocal chords
                    Tim Storms                                           Li Wenxing
               The 8 Hertz Kid                          Little Fiery Mario Vocal Chords