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DiC Bumper

TV and film bumpers can pack a lot of music into a short window. They often run through multiple key changes in mere seconds. Cadences bleed into other cadences. Power choruses stacked upon lesser choruses. The TV bumper does all the work of a three-minute pop song in the course of fifteen seconds or less. Disney has a classic. The Fox fanfare is oft-missed.

One popular bumper at the end of ’80s cartoon was for DiC Entertainment. A camera peers through a sleeping child’s bedroom, jumps out the window into outer space, where a star punctuates the “i” in DiC and a child’s voice pronounces the acronym as “deek,” although every single child everywhere subvocalized it as “dick.

It begins on a D9 chord, the V of G Major. Everything points to a perfect cadence to the G, but then they throw in a C (add 9), the IV. While still in the key of G, a plagal cadence is now expected from the IV to the I. Instead we get a bIII borrowed from G minor. The child intones the tonic “dic” on a G4, which is too perfect to be a coincidence. A musical director had to have cued the child, right? There would have to be an NBC chime on hand.

The withheld tonic appears in the voice with the name of the company. This is a stroke of genius subconscious advertising on the part of the DiC ad-wizards. If Beethoven were alive in the ’80s, this is the kind of thing he’d devote his musical brain to. Nobody ever realized what secrets the DiC bumper held until blog. Now that I know, one hundred neuralinked monkeys will also know, and soon the world.

The Diarrhea Song

Let us now reach back through the annals of time to recover a dirty little song that children used to sing to their bowels as they danced the Valsalva. This song was passed along in the great oral tradition from camp to camp, school to school, long before anyone would think about recording such a thing. It is known as “The Diarrhea Song.”

The movie Parenthood (1989) features a solid version of “The Diarrhea Song” sung by an annoying child. Luckily, the Mandela Effect didn’t erase this one. Here it is in the key of E Major. Either this kid has perfect pitch or the producer had a kazoo on hand to prompt him.

This same melody is probably a standard camp melody used for many different songs, based on some old American air, but it just feels so right to sing “diarrhea” in this manner, in a major pentatonic way. “Di, a, rrhe, a.” The 6 sidles up to the 1, turns to the 2 and turns immediately back to the 1. It sounds as inevitable as the act itself.

When you’re sliding into first
And your pants begin to burst
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into two
And your pants are filled with goo
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into third
And you feel a greasy turd
Diarrhea, diarrhea

When you’re sliding into home
And your pants are filled with foam
Diarrhea, diarrhea

Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha.

Lost Doggies

The long-awaited sequel to Dos Doggies is finally here.

Lost Doggies by Los Doggies, not to be confused with Los Doggies (2001) by Los Doggies, our first album. Dos Doggies (2002) was the sequel, and this is a kind of third one in a Godfather III sorta way. An album 20 years in the making that we stopped making 19 years ago. All of these lost songs were rescued from a scanned scrap of paper in an ancient email. A lot of them are about Nintendo. Some are offensive. Most are inappropriate. In keeping with the spirit of this zany trilogy of 18-song albums—Los Doggies, Dos Doggies, and now, Lost Doggies—we present these wrinkled old chestnuts in unadulterated form as a window into the past of the early aughts.

Air Horn

The Southern Oracle

Before the government bans all manner of horns, let’s have a timely post on everybody’s favorite—the portable air horn. Like Pavlov’s bell, I’m pretty sure every living creature despises this cruel sound. More jump-scare than sound object. The loudness is definitely the most annoying aspect, but the portamento also plays a role in this handheld nuisance. The downward portamento especially has a mocking quality. It might not be so bad without the bend.

BEEEEEOOOOOOHHHHNNN. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-BEEEEOOOOOOOHHHHNNN. You can probably hear the air horn in your head just from my phonetic spelling, but just in case, here it is below.

Be sure to adjust your volume down and if you’re wearing earbuds, God save you!

The popular portable air horn begins around a G5 and slides down about a fourth to a D5.

Air horns have been widely used at sportball games. NHL uses the horn for a goal and UFC at the end of a round. It is a popular sample in reggae and hip hop. The Battle Rap league URL uses the sound to signify a fire bar, usually followed by a “Don Demarco.” The air horn basically adds hype to any situation. Hockey game, rap battle, Canadian border, you name it!

Jigglypuff Melody

Up Special Sing Attack

As an ’80s boomer, I missed out on the Pokémon craze, although I am tangentially aware of it, and like most normie folk, I can name at least a dozen or so pocket-monsters from the primary series. I don’t really know how to pronounce the word “Pokémon.” I say “pokey,” like an American philistine.

Jigglypuff is the anime-eyed ball of pink custard with the soporific voice. Its pronouns are “It/It.” The plural of “Jigglypuff” is “Jigglypuff.”

Relevant for this blog, Jiggly likes to sing. Its “Sing” attack is the trademark special move from Super Smash Bros. Soundwaves and noteheads shoot out of its body accompanied by this little melody, mic’d up of course. Jiggly is always mic’d.

Jigglypuff’s Sing is in the key of A Major. The short clip is taken from Jiggly’s full song, to which only sleeping ears may listen. It is transposed up a fifth from this version in D.

Pokémon was inspired by Japanese bug-fighting. There may also be an element of teaching demonology to kids. There is something about it that hypnotizes children. Who knows what Jigglypuff is up to while you sleep?

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Happy Christmas

We made a Christmas album, unironically. Our last release from two years ago was a Christmas song. We’re basically an indie Christmas band at this point. We don’t have much else going on.

I like Christmas music with its bells, glocks, and idiophones galore. It sounds like Bruce Springstein’s E Street band has taken over the airwaves for a month. I don’t tune in every year, but it’s nice to know it’s there. I can listen to glock rock if I so choose.

I’ve wanted to make this little album for a few years, but it’s always chaotic to try to record it in December. Luckily, we started this in October and just barely made the yuletide deadline.

Los Doggies Christmas is 5-minutes-long and features lyrics not by me, but rather poetesses of the 19th, 20th, and 21st centuries. I prefer to write music, so I’m happy to have others write lyrics for me. Lyrics are usually the last thing I think about, and it’s always a strain to fit syllables to a melody (like writing poetry). This is how Sir Elton John wrote his tunes and it’s why he sang, “Pizza maaaan…melting all his cheese on pizza rolls.”

On this album, you’ll hear a secular song, a religious song, and a classic chestnut ballad. The first two contain lyrics written centuries ago now in the public domain. I tried to do these poems justice and make music that would sound pleasing to Victorian ears. The kind of music Mary and her immaculate baby could coo along with. Even the ox and lamb could tap out the rhythm in cloven beats. The Magi preferred prog polyrhythms in odd-times, so they’d go take a bowl break.

As George Michael used to say, “Happy Christmas!”

Listen to Los Doggies Christmas on Bandcamp

Download Christmas Songbook

Listen to Christmas playlist


Nard Dog Melody

 

I’ve watched The Office a dozen or so times. I’m so old, I watched it when Netflix used to limit how many hours you could stream. (I only larp as an eccentric during the day. At night, I go full normie scumbag and watch TV.)

At the time, I thought The Office was the funniest show ever, and I wanted Jim and Pam to live happily ever after (like Zack and Kelly [and unlike Brandon and Kelly]). Now I’m cranky and bothered by all the cuckold triangles and overall degeneracy of American media. But if you haven’t seen it, you should probably go binge-watch the first 7 seasons. (You’ll have plenty of time during the upcoming lockdown to watch TV. Maybe we’ll go full fascist-Australia and be quarantined in a 5K radius. Maybe the vaxboots will go around door to door Santa-style and round everybody up and throw them in the covid camps for Christmas. We live in very exciting times!)

Anyway, the character Andy Bernard, who everybody hates, has a popular catch phrase, “Rit dit dit di doo,” which I have notated below. Who’s the normie now?

 

 

The catchphrase roughly follows the interval of a perfect fourth. It starts on a G and jumps down a fourth to a D. He rolls the R on the “Rit,” which I’ve always had trouble doing. I assume it’s genetic like tongue-rolling in general, and not that I suck.

Andy “the Nard Dog” is a music-lover who tries to be funny, but is really annoying and gets cuckolded instead. I wonder why some people find him so appealing. Probably his fashion sense.